So. Much. Fun.

I purchased my first motorcycle two days ago, got my learner’s permit yesterday, and had a friend teach me how to ride today before getting brave enough to meander around my neighborhood a bit with it. I haven’t had that much fun in a very, very long time. Even just going 30 mph everything just feels right in the world. I’ve had a few utterly terrifying moments already, but they were 100% user error and I’m working out those kinks as quickly as possible.

I’ll be sticking to the neighborhood until I build up the confidence to get out on the “real road”, but I’m completely okay with that because it’s the most fun I’ve ever had going that slow. I easily spent an hour or so just going up to stop signs, starting in a turn and uphill (yikes!), forcing myself to be smoother with the clutch when I shifted, and getting comfortable with the finer bits of counter steering (how a motorcycle at non-parking lot speeds turns).

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An Open Letter to (Past) Me,

I’ve thought about this for a while now, and I think I’ve finally come to a conclusion that will benefit both of us. At first, I thought about all the things that I would change; places I’d go, things that I’d do, friends that I’d have, girls I’d pursue. Some of those thoughts led my mind to interesting places that maybe future us can tell us about one day, but I realized something about us in those moments: we did alright.

Mistakes were abundant, but so were the memories. You’ll love a lot, grow secluded, but suddenly burst out of your shell. You’ll come to new realizations, have both ideas that seem great and ones that truly are. You’ll fall. You’ll fail. You’ll get hurt. You’ll be scared. You’ll be scarred. But, through it all, you’ll be you, and that’s the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.

There are some secrets to life that I wish I could tell you, but it’s probably best that you find out for yourself. Keep doing what your doing, and never have doubts about the path you’ve chosen.

(Why did I write this?)

I know lots of people write to their past selves or make videos about things that they’d tell their past selves if they could. It struck me as amusing that so many people seemed to want to tell their past selves about something that would drastically alter their life.

I started thinking about this because I’m going through a divorce, getting out of the military soon, and struggling with what I’ll do in the future. I thought about everything that I’d change if I could, but as in the letter, I don’t think I’d really want to change anything.

I have a lot of good memories, and even though many of them are now with people that I no longer have contact with or no longer even like, that doesn’t change how I felt in the moment. The little pleasures of living in the present are some of the greatest that life has to offer, and despite anything that I’m currently going through, I’d do it all again if I could.

Raindrop

I have returned from falls far greater than any man ever could, risen from the ground when others would die. A torturous journey, many journeys, haunt my soul with every move I make. So many times I’ve gone down this path that I no longer react to any of it, yet the fear of it all still lingers with me. No matter how many times I live through my rapidly descending travels of the sky, I never become accustom to it.

I have fallen for so long from my former life. Like a living nightmare, I plunge toward my demise over and over again. The clouds retreat from me, turn their everlasting gaze from me, and refuse to lift me back up; back home.

The ground grows nearer and nearer. I begin to panic internally as I realize my fate. Denial, my last remaining friend, fled from me long ago. It’s not a dream, it never was. I’m always awake, and I always know I’ll hit the ground. I do. I always do.

Death does not await me though, only the dread of continuing the experience until that one day when I won’t get up; not out of inability, but out of the will to never try making things right. That day, that fall, has yet to come, and I’m not sure if it will ever be upon me. I’m not sure if I ever want it to.

Personal stuff – Read at your own risk

I cried some of the most genuine tears that I’ve felt in a very long time tonight. I’ve kept things bottled up for so long, but it felt truly good to let some of that out. I’m going through a very tough time in my life. I’ve been away from home since May and my relationship with my wife has deteriorated to the point that there’s nothing I can do to salvage it. The odd thing is that I’m not sure I want to. The even odder thing is that despite my feelings towards it, I am deeply affected by the change. I feel the stress of everything bearing down on me in a very physical way. My stomach is easily upset, and I have a general feeling of crappiness. It worries me to feel like this because I’m always concerned that it will never go away or that no one else feels the way I do. I know that’s probably silly, but it’s how my mind works. There doesn’t seem to be an outlet for it all at times, but tonight helped tremendously…at least for now.

A Brutal Truth

Do you still see me,
or just what I’ve done?
I feel so distant,
so detached, so numb.

Of course I still see you,
but I’m not sure what you mean.
You’ll always mean a lot to me,
but I won’t forgot what I’ve seen.

I’ve always been this way.
We both know that is true.
I just didn’t it could go so far.
I never thought I’d lose you.

I don’t think you’ve lost me,
It feels like you pushed me away.

I honestly didn’t mean to,
but I won’t beg you to stay.

I’ll never regret a moment,
even when I’m finally gone.
This just wasn’t meant to be.
It is time to move on.

Reflection of Introspection

Mirrors are great and terrible things.
They always show you for you,
an unbiased, uncaring reflection,
simply an image of what’s true.

You can throw it to the ground,
break it into a million bits,
but they’ll just show smaller pieces
of the puzzle that still fits.

They’ll never change for you,
lie to you to make you happy.
They only taunt and torment
until you change what you see.

Ship in a Bottle (Breaking Free)

Bottled in a prison of glass,
walls of reflected perception,
every view is filled with the past,
twisted forms of self-deception.

The wind blows outside my shell,
churning the waves of our sea.
I have no control, no purpose.
doomed to drift aimlessly.

I’m filled with the knowledge
of an entire world passed by;
observed in detail from afar,
unveiled to my eye.

I’ve been held here too long,
no one to blame, but nevertheless,
the times has finally come
to break free from this mess.

So, I ready the cannons,
take aim at my mind,
fire away, break the glass,
and set sail to find…

The world as I’ve always known it,
but experienced in it’s truest form;
set adrift through our ocean
without a prison to scorn.